


Ash

by adderelly



Category: Ash - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adderelly/pseuds/adderelly





	1. Chapter 1

"Ashton, this is your chance. All you have to do is take it for fucks sake"  
Oliver sounded angry. But he didn't look angry. He looked frustrated and concerned. But Ash wasn't having that. He wasn't having any of it.  
"I appreciate the offer. I really do. But I can't be in dept with you. Besides, Emma would kill me if she found out"

Ash's voice sounded sure. As if none of this had ever been worth even a thought. He had made his mind up the moment Oliver had begun opening his mouth.

"It's either her or the cancer, Ashton. I'm not stupid. I know you're in dept with the bank and that you're still working overtime just to pay for the treatments. Your wife can't pay for everything with her income, can she?"

"she makes more than me..."  
"yeah, but you shouldn't be making anything at all. You shouldn't be in your fucking office, ever when you're spitting blood in your breaks"  
"I-"  
"we don't need anything from you. We don't need you to pay us back. We need you to have that treatment so you can at least fucking be there when your kid goes to school next year...and what about your girl? The one you adopted. How old is she?"

"fourteen..."

"doesn't she deserve to come home to her dad being okay?"

This was unfair. This arguing was so fucking unfair. At this point, after years of pain, he was more than ready to go. He was tired and exhausted and the thought of dying seemed like something he wouldn't try and avoid. But of course he didn't want to leave his family just like that. Of course he didn't want Pete to grow up without a dad and hardly remember him and of course he wanted to be there for Stella, like he had promised. And more than anything did he want to be there everyday when Emma woke up. He enjoyed the thought of death, but he didn't enjoy the thought of what would happen once that occured.

Still he couldn't take the money.

The Warthogs had always showed their support towards the Iversen family. They had always been there and they had never expected anything in return. But they had also been there for his dad. Not after the murder and abuse, but for many many years before that. And Ash couldn't shake that.

Apart from that he had made Emma a promise. He had promised her to get rid of his contacts to the gang that had practically raised him and his sisters and helped his mom deal with everything. He had promised her to stop with the drugs and the dealing and to stop with the favours that always went back and forth between him and the other members. He had promised to keep all of that away from their little family, so he wouldn't owe somebody something that might pull them down later.

And now they were offering their money. They were offering to pay for his treatments and health care for his children as well as rent and the car, so Ash could focus on his recovery instead of working double shifts. Now they were offering his way out.

"We get it. You don't want to be like Malte. You don't want to be your fucking dad. But you're not. You're a great father and I am sure your wife couldn't find anybody better to share her life with. Don't fuck that up. Don't let that fucking illness take all of that just because you're too proud to accept the help."

"It's not about pride."

It was.

"It's not about fucking pride. I am 33. I have a job. One that I like. I have a wife and two children and for the first time in forever I am not smoking or selling pills at street corners. Hell I haven't been on drugs in three years. I don't want that to fall apart. I don't want that to fall apart by pledging my fucking allegiance!"

"You're still a Warthog Ashton...You will always be one. You join once and that's it. You're in it for life. But you know what? That's better than letting chemo therapy eat you up. That stability will mean fuck all when your wife lets you into the ground in six months. That job and that sober time will mean fuck all."

"I-", Ash tried to interrupt, but Oliver had already continued.

"Nobody is making you deal or take drugs. Nobody is making you show your motherfucking tattoo or even speak the fucking word 'Warthog'. Nobody is making you do any of that! We just want to give you that god damn fucking money and have that be it!"

"I was in fucking prison because of dealing for the gang..."

"So was I. We pay for what we do. We all do. But you did your prison time, didn't you?"

Ash bit his lip, trying his very hardest not to get loud again. Not to spew the very same arguments again and again. He had never made the decision to become a member. He had never chosen for his dad to push him into the gang. But he also couldn't deny that he did make the active choice to participate. He did make the conscious decision to be a part of all of that as he got older. Because it was security. It was family.

His dad was abandoned from the gang after what he did. He was dropped completely and instead Ash's mom was made a priority. She was given money and support to help raise her children. Just like Ash was now. And it scared him. Of course he would never dare to not appreciate what the Warthogs did for them, but he never ever wanted to copy his parents. He never ever wanted to be like that.

And for years that had worked. Pete was four and during all those years Ash had only broken down and relapsed once. He had a job that needed him and for two years now he had Stella. Stella, who relied on him more than anybody else on earth. And Ash was proud of the life he had built himself and his family.

It was never much. But it was more than he had ever dared to imagine as a teenager. Sure, they couldn't afford to get their car fixed and sometimes, more than not they struggled to pay for gas and water bills. But that was okay. That was all okay, because at least they were trying. And at least they were happy.

The cancer had torn a hole into all of that, but Ash had accepted that sometimes life isn't easy and sometimes you just need to push through.

But now maybe pushing through meant dying.

"Think about it...We got you Ash. And we're not going to come near you family. Emma doesn't even need to know, does she?"

Oliver sounded desperate now. He didn't want Ash to die. He had watched him grow up and go through all of that shit and he wasn't ready to accept that he would pass at 33 without having even lived half his life. He still saw the naive 7 year old when he looked at Ash. And the broken 13 year old. And the 19 year old that finally seemed to find a way to be okay with everything. He wasn't ready to let Ash go. Not yet.

"Think about it", he repeated a little quieter, as he watched Ash bury his face in his hands, his elbows resting on the table. He wasn't replying. He was too busy trying to breathe calmy. Trying not to show just how much this was getting to him.

It hurt. It hurt, because once again he felt like he relied on his dads people. Even if they never called themselves that. Even if they hated his father just as much as he did.

The truth was, Ash was glad Oliver was there. He had missed him, just like all of the other members who were part of his family at this point. He had missed that feeling of home, he had always connected with the Warthogs. But it also brought back everything he had worked so hard to repress. It brought back all of the pain in waves, that were now stinging in his eyes.

"I'll call you tomorrow, and you tell me your answer. Talk to your wife. She needs you and she seems like a smart person. She seems like she might-"

"Don't- just don't contact her..."

"I won't. We won't."

Ash's hands were still covering his face and his voice was now breaking with each syllable. He was quietly crying and Oliver knew not to acknowledge that.

Oliver had known Malte Verstergaard his whole life. He had been just as broken by what he did to those girls and Frida. But the difference was he had learnt to live with it. Ash hadn't. He still hadn't.

But he wasn't a kid anymore and he couldn't grief as openly as he did when Malte was first arrested. People expected for time to have healed those wounds, but it had simply messily stitched them up, with no guarantee of it staying that way.


	2. 2

"okay, hit me"  
"Hmm... favorite Kardashian"  
"Oh yours is Kylie", Ash immediately grinned and took another sip from his Domino's cup.  
"How did you get that so quickly?!", Stella immediately giggled and grabbed another piece of Pizza.  
"I guess I'm psychic after all"  
"Ash, No offense but five minutes ago you said Zayn was my favorite one direction member, which is ridiculous"  
"Oh, right..."  
It was quiet for a while until suddenly Stella spoke again. This time a lot quieter. Ash already knew that expression in the girls voice all too well.  
"I broke my phone"  
The way she spoke when she was scared was quick and without hesitation. She didn't stutter and her voice didn't break how he knew it from the other kids he had worked with. And it was also different from the way he knew it from his own son.  
Stella was different. She spoke clearly and quickly as if she ripped off a bandaid to get the statement out as quickly as possible. And then she kept eye contact, not daring to look away.  
Ash could only imagine how strict her parents must have been, before she was introduced into the foster system a couple years ago. She was scared to show disrespect to a point that made her seem cold when it came to moments like admitting stuff she had done wrong. She didn't shake or cry and she didn't avoid eye contact. She just faced the consequences. And so she turned from the most bubbly talkative person to somebody who didn't show any emotion at all.  
"...that's okay"  
"I dropped it and the screen cracked and it doesn't go on anymore"  
Still no emotion in her voice. She still sounded like she was making a serious presentation for school.  
"That's alright... Happens to the best of us, doesn't it? They don't exactly build them super safely"  
Ash made sure to smile as reassuringly as possible, as he put his coke into the cup holder to start the car again.  
Stella got a little less tense. Only a little though.  
"My birthday was only last month...and I spent all my pocket money on Ally's sleepover..."  
She still looked at Ash as if she expected to be yelled at or at least get a bad look. But he was all concentrated on leaving the crowded Domino's parking lot.  
"... we'll find a way to-"  
"Do you think Emma is gonna be mad?"  
"Hm... I mean- I'm sure she'd be happier if it hadn't broken this quickly, but she won't be angry with you... Just take care a little better next time, okay?"  
He smiled and shortly glanced over at her, just to see that she was still looking at him. She was still worried sick, but she tried her very best to look serious.  
"Hey...lighten up, Stella. It's all good. I'm not mad at you. I know it wasn't on purpose..."  
The girl just nodded slightly and finally looked away, down at her hands.  
"Hey...", Ash repeated carefully, glancing at her once more.  
He hated this. He hated when she didn't talk.  
"...did you-did you see the video Joe Sugg uploaded? Yesterday, wasn't it?"  
And just like that her eyes lit up again and she lifted her head up a little bit.  
"Yeah..."  
"Was that his new girlfriend?"  
"I think so...but she's not his type"  
"Just what I thought..."  
He couldn't help but grin the moment he heard her inhale again as if she prepared to start talking with no end again. He liked that.  
"She has this brother, he's like 17 and he has a vlog channel and it's so cringy...and she's on there sometimes and they just make these terrible jokes that are so 2017 and it's exhausting..."  
________________  
"We're home!", Stella proclaimed happily and quickly hurried into the kitchen to see what Emma was making for dinner.  
She didn't have to know that Ash had bought the two of them pizza after school.

"Hey, there, buddy", Ash grinned, when Pete came running from his room. He quickly picked him up and Hugged him as tightly as possible and it didn't take more than a few seconds for Pete to completely cling onto his dad as if they had just been glued together.

Ash couldn't help but bite his lip at how carrying his son like this hurt quite a bit. But Pete didn't seem to notice, with his face buried in his father's neck.

"...you're getting so big", Ash breathed out and moved around a little, begging his body to get it's shit together. He didn't want these moments taken from him.

And just like that his mind was back to the conversation he had with Oliver that morning. The conversation that could safe his life.

"Mom says I'll probably be taller than you one day!"

"You know, that wouldn't surprise me at all! You're getting so strong as well! Stella told me that this morning you carried all of your bags by yourself. And that you were like a super hero, because you took hers as well!"  
"...she said that?!", Pete asked excitedly as his eyes lit up.

"I wouldn't lie to you, now would I?"

The little boy quickly shook his head and happily pulled his dad even tighter.  
His eyes were starting to fall shut and he really had just waited with his nap so he could say hi to his dad the moment he'd get home.  
"Hey...", Ash suddenly heard and turned around just to see Emma standing in the door frame. She looked terribly exhausted. Still she was smiling.

"Hi, baby...", Ash smiled as well and gave her a quick kiss.  
She didn't even have to ask to know he was in pain.

"... Pete, don't you wanna go sleep a little? Dads gonna be right here when you wake up..."

"Okay, mom..."

"I'll come to your room in just a second so we can talk a little more, alright, bud?", Ash quietly added, as Emma carefully took the boy, just to let him down. Pete immediately nodded and quickly started running to his room to get changed and Ash's heart couldn't help but break, watching him excitedly hurry off on his tiny legs. Pete really was the best person he would ever come across is his life. It was a shame he most likely wouldn't get to see him grow up properly.

"How are you feeling?"  
Emma sounded concerned. She wasn't stupid. She knew how Ash moved and how his face changed when he was in pain. It wasn't hard to tell he was struggling a little.

But Ash really couldn't pay much attention to the pain in that moment. He was way too busy driving himself crazy with the same worries and thoughts that had raced through his head all day.

"Just a little tired...", he lied and gave her another quick kiss, before returning the question.

"How have you been?"

"Nothing special...dinner is gonna take a while. Enough for you and Pete to take a nap. Stella is gonna help me in the kitchen and I'll wake you up when it's done, okay?"

"I really don't need to sleep..."

"Have you taken the pain killers Dr. Grewson gave us?"

She let out a tiny sigh when her husband shook his head.  
"I didn't want to waste them..."  
"Ash- we'll just get new ones. Isn't it more of a waste to not even open the packaging?"

She was right. It was a waste to not use them for their intended purpose, but Ash had gotten used to ranking his pain. He had gotten used to deciding that he wasn't hurting enough to have to do anything, whilst in reality he was close to passing out.

"I'll get one later..."

"I'll bring you one, okay? Just- sit down for a second. Have some water and take one of the pills. Can you do that? ...for me?"

________  
Usually Ash was always asleep before Emma. He would be with Pete and Stella and try to help in the kitchen and she would tell him to go rest and go to bed. He needed it. Emma knew that. She also knew that if she wouldn't say anything, her husband would completely overwhelm himself with trying to be the perfect second hand in the household and playing enough with Pete so he wouldn't feel neglected.

Pete was only five, but he noticed when his dad was exhausted and struggling to breathe when playing hide and seek and he realized when Ash was forcing himself to stay up and engaged.

And Ash felt so incredibly guilty for that. He felt guilty for making his son see him like that and for not being there as much as he wanted and needed to be. After work he would just eat and sleep and that wasn't what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to go to the playground with his toddler and be able to play catch in the park. He was supposed to be a better dad.

That night was different though. As always Emma sent him away when he tried to help with the dishes and picked out his medication for him, before telling him to finally go sleep.

But that day not even his many pills could make him fall asleep. He was aching and hurting and his mind was over thinking everything he had discussed with Oliver that day.

Emma would take the money.  
Emma would take it and be thankful for that chance to help him live longer.  
But still he felt like if he did, there would always be this bit of disappointment. Mainly in himself.

And so when he finally heard Emma enter the room and change into one of his shirts for the night, it took him a while to ponder whether he should talk to her. Whether he should tell her about everything and get it over with.

She would want him to tell her. She would want that.  
Still he laid still.

But it didn't take Emma longer than a moment to realize he was awake.

Maybe because she noticed his irregular breathing, when she crawled under the blanket and wrapped her arm around his waist from behind. Maybe because she saw the lamp on the nightstand was still glowing ever so slightly in the dark like it had just recently been turned off and was cooling down.

"...Ash"

No reply. His throat hurt too much from all the words stuck in it that day.

"...you okay?", her voice was calm and soft.

"hm"

It was a yes kinda 'hm'.

Then he swallowed hard.

Emma didn't reply anything else to that and instead buried her face in the warmth of the back of his t-shirt and tightened her grip around his stomach as if she was holding onto him as much as possible.

They rarely ever laid awake together, because Ash was always way too tired and it felt good to just lay there and be with each other. They used to do that a lot. They used to talk a lot in the evenings, cuddle and make out. Ash missed that. He really did.

"I love you", he suddenly whispered into the silence. His voice broke and he immediately cursed himself for that. But Emma just carefully pressed a kiss to his back and moved a little bit closer. She probably just assumed he was in more pain than usual. And he was. But it wasn't all the cancer.

He would miss these simple moments with her. He would miss how she looked in his sweater and how she hummed to herself while doing her make up in the morning. He would miss her annoyed eye rolls and her sleepy morning kisses down his neck. He would miss all the times they laughed together and teased each other, all the pointless fights, stupid arguments and shower Sex.

They laid like that for quite some time. Neither of them saying a word, until, after a while, Ash carefully pushed her hand off his waist so he could turn around and face her.

Emma looked tired. She looked tired and in a way she also looked sad. Ash just couldn't quite tell why. But maybe things like that didn't always have to be discussed. Maybe sometimes they could just be.

It wasn't much of a secret that Ash's illness didn't just affect him. It was her too. It was her who had the responsibility to go to parenting evenings and take the kids to the doctor or their friends. It was her responsibility to cook and clean and it was her responsibility to look after Ash and how he was doing.

All of that used to be a shared task. It used to be something they did as a team and that had always worked in a way that made everything feel balanced and comfortable.

But Ash's condition got worse and quickly he was too exhausted after coming home from either work or the treatments. It was all too much and even though he often pretended to be okay and able to function, they both knew that wasn't true.

And he felt guilty for that. So incredibly guilty. He was supposed to be there for his family. To be there for Emma, but instead he was the burden everybody needed to look after so he wouldn't break more than he already had and eventually crack open.

Yes, Emma looked tired and concerned, but she also was smiling and Ash didn't doubt that she genuinely felt bliss, laying there, tiredly staring at her husband while absent mindedly playing with the hem of his shirt.

"I- I took a day off tomorrow", she suddenly broke the silence. And again she smiled slightly, which turned into a grin the moment Ash pecked her lips.

"...you deserve that", he smiled, trying not to let out too loud of a pain filled grunt as he shuffled around slightly so he could wrap his arm around her.

"I'll drive Stella to school before work. You should sleep in..."

Emma didn't miss a beat before shaking her head.

"...Ash", she began quietly, hesitating for a second the moment she watched him realize exactly what she was about to say.

"...Your new cycle of chemo starts tomorrow. I thought we talked about that. I thought we established you would stay home...I took the day off so I can be with you. Not so you can do all the work around the house. I can handle all of that. I've told you enough times-"

"I- I can't have tomorrow off. I can't miss Wednesdays. You know that"

"You told me you weren't planned in this week... You told me that months ago, when we got all the treatment dates...", her voice was growing more and more concerned, as well as more and more impatient. She wasn't mad. She just was done with arguing for his mental health.

"Chemo is at 5:30. I will be done at work at 4. I promise..."

"It's not about that, Ash! It's not about if it works with the fucking time. I am not having you work from 8 to 4 just so you can come straight to the hospital and go right back to work the next day. You're forgetting how bad you were during the last cycle...You'll need some resting time...That's why I took time off work. Not to have some fucking spa time to myself while you're taking care of everything. You're not even taking this seriously!"

Her voice got louder and louder, as she moved away slightly and sat up, letting out a long sigh, before crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"I want you to be okay... I want you to be as okay as possible, and tomorrow and probably for the next week you'll just feel terrible... I am you wife. We married for a reason, didn't we? I know you feel guilty for depending on me or whatever, but I don't care! I am here for all the shit moments and I'll always be and it's about time you learn to accept that..."


	3. 3

Ash did go to work the next day. Only for a few hours. Only to sort out some stuff before the chemo would keep him home for a few days. He had promised Emma to not be gone longer than three hours, and so he made sure to keep it as short as possible. She cared about him and was worried and he knew not to fight that.

"Oh, Ashton! glad I caught you... Do you have a minute? We need to have a word"

Ash's boss, Mr Greenword always had the very worst timing. He always asked to speak to Ash when he had already locked his key away and opened the door. He always asked to speak to Ash when he was either incredibly busy or just needed to head home or to the clinic.

Not surprisingly, Ash was the only one in his office who let that be done to him. Everyone else managed to make it clear that they didn't have time. It was only Ash, who was so scared of upsetting people, that he took on over hours and meetings without hesitation. Even when Emma was waiting outside in the car.

"oh, I- I actually got an appointment I need to get to...", Ash mumbled, but he had already closed the door again and walked up to his boss as if there was no doubt he'd accept to have that conversation in that moment.

Mr. Greenword raised his eyebrows at that. He knew about Ash's cancer. He just didn't know how serious it was, since Ash was fantastic at talking down just how bad he was doing. He needed his job. Badly.

"Really? anything serious?"

"No, sir...", Ash immediately shook his head.

"Won't take long"

_____

"There is a bonus that I can offer you. All it takes is for you to take on this 16 year old. It's kind of urgent that she gets assigned."

Ash let out a tiny sigh, before shortly moving his hand through his hair. He didn't need this. He didn't need to hear any of it. All it would do was make him feel guilty for not taking that chance to get the extra money. But it was getting hard to admit just how much the cancer really took of his energy and ability to work. He needed the money, but he also needed time with his family. There was absolutely nobody in his office, who cared as much about the clients as he did, but he simply couldn't take it. But also, without Emma next to him, telling him to decline the offer, it would be so fucking hard to turn down.

"I- I don't know if that's an offer I can take... I have three kids I am responsible for right now and I just don't think that would fit into my schedule...Can't Lucy take that job?"

"She could, but you're the only one specialized in autism. Your experience is nothing anybody could really compare to. I mean you had that one boy for six years, that's- what was his name again?"

"Teddy..."

"oh, right!"

"I have- two of my three kids have autism. They are kind of intensive care and I don't think somebody new would fit in..."

He knew. He didn't just think that.

"intensive care are three hours a week...you're doing five with each of them and three with the normal kid, who really just needs one hour... Maybe Lucy could take that one"

"His name is Lachlan."

Ash's voice suddenly got a bit firmer, causing his boss to shift around in his chair a little. Ash wasn't like that. The kids weren't 'that one'. They weren't just a stupid folder on his computer.

"Yeah, well then Lucy takes him...Lachlan"

"I've worked with him for two years, I don't think it's a good idea to change his whole schedule up now. Getting used to Lucy will take him months..."

Mr. Greenword didn't like that. He didn't like hearing no. Especially not from the one employee he relied on the most.

He had gotten used to being able to do whatever he wanted with Ash. He had gotten used to just how much Ash was willing to do for his job. And he wasn't ever going to let that knowledge go.

"it's really not that serious, Iversen. It's one hour a week. You're not their nanny"

"I am legally responsible for their well being"

"You can check on that in a one hour conversation, can't you?"

This was going nowhere.

Ash couldn't stop looking over at the small clock on his boss's desk. Emma was waiting outside.

"Iversen?"

"You'd be surprised how much builds up for him in that orphan age every week. Just because he doesn't have autism doesn't mean I will neglect him. I have been his parental figure for two years. That's not a progress you just throw away..."

"Well somebody needs to take the 16 year old. Her file has been on my desk for way too long. Do the hours you are told and you'll fit her right in with three hours. And you'll get your bonus"

And that's when Mr. Greenword took out the folder. That's when Ash knew it was lost. The moment he would be told the name of the girl and just how bad she was doing, he'd feel so incredibly bad, that he wouldn't be able to refuse the offer. His boss knew that. He knew that all too well.

Because Ash was very well aware that he was the only one at his job that would be able to do the very best for that girl. He knew exactly that it was on him how her future would go and it was on him to help her have a stable few years until she would be able to live on her own.

But Ash also was dying.

"But-"

"You want to keep your job, right?"

They were very suddenly interrupted by a loud knock, that was immediately followed by the door flying open, followed by a really concerned looking secretary.

"Sir, a Emma Iversen, is waiting at the front...She seems really impatient"

Mr. Greenword couldn't get another word out, before Ash had already jumped up and grabbed his bag.

"Thank you, Mr. Greenword. I'll think about it", he forced a quick smile and swiftly hurried out, before anything else could be said.

Emma really did look impatient, but her expression immediately got less tense the moment she saw her husband leave his boss's office.

"Sorry", Ash quietly muttered, before giving her a quick kiss and grabbing her hand, squeezing it tightly, before pulling her towards the door.

"hey...what is it? What was that about?", Emma asked a little surprised, by her husbands sudden reaction.

"...Nothing special"

"...nothing special?"

Emma called bullshit. Of course she did.


	4. 4

18 years earlier...

Ash wasn't really the typical cool guy in highschool. Still he managed to be respected by most people and automatically invited to everything. He was always treating everyone so nicely, that it stuck, and his personality seemed to be appreciated by most of the popular kids. He was generally never part of the drama or stress and the fact that he never spoke badly about anybody paid off in the end. So he kind of was popular. Just not for being in the football team or having rich parents.

He never got bullied either. The students understood that he had only started speaking english two years prior and when he first joined his class everyone was trying real hard to make him feel comfortable and help him understand the American culture a little better. Guys thought he was cool and girls thought he was adorable for his accent and open way of talking to people.

He didn't get bullied either when he painted his nails black or was seen kissing boys at parties and to his own surprise he wasn't picked on when he began going out with two people. Sure a polyamorous relationship was nothing people at their school were used to, but he had built up is reputation enough for the popular, rich kids to defend him whenever it did come up.

People would say :"What's with those kids?", and the cheerleader captain would reply.

"Ash? He's cool. Let him be"

It was a kind of support Ash really appreciated and needed, especially with the way his dad treated his family.

Kat was a pretty girl. She had long, ginger hair and loads of freckles and she was quiet and introverted, except when she was drunk. She had a lip ring and her septum and bellybutton pierced and she dressed like the 80s, with her colorful shirts and highwaisted, loose jeans. Sometimes her long hair was straight and open and sometimes in tiny tiny fluffy curls and put up in a messy ponytail. She was tall, not as tall as Ash, but definately getting there and she had a similar reputation as him. She was nowhere near as generally loved as him, but she had a bunch of friends and people liked having her at parties. Her parents were super rich and put a lot of weight onto her grades and the way she did in track and so she spent most her free time running, going to training and preparing for exams. She was one year older than Ash and about the same age as PJ.

PJ was at their school too, except he belonged to a whole different group. He belonged to the loser stoners, who were basically just a collection of all the alternative, LGBT, theatre and band kids. They were quite a big group, who all cared for each other a lot, but they weren't exactly popular. Because whilst Ash had the luck to be with the right people at the right time, PJ didn't. He had an accident during the beginning of his freshman year of highschool, not only causing him to lose his right hand through heavy burns, but also all social connections he ever had.  
He was out of school for many months and once he returned to school, everyone else had already found their place and group to call home.

And so he got quiet and held himself back, trying to somehow catch up with everyone in making friends.

He started pushing people away and keeping to himself and even though after a while he had begun speaking again, the people at their school still didn't let him forget about it. They disregarded the progress he made and made him feel bad for his shaky and hesitant ways of talking up in class and that only made everything worse again. But he had found his friends, who he had gotten quite good at talking to and at least that was something.

He was pretty tall and lanky and had dark purple, washed out hair, which he redyed way too rarely. He had the prettiest light blue eyes and a scar at the top of his nose from a stupid accident he had in elementary school. His voice, when you actually bothered to listen to it was super raspy and probably all fucked up from just how much he smoked everyday.  
But Ash liked it. And so did Kat. PJ had a few freckles on his face just like Kat, which he liked to cover up with make up and a bunch more on his arms, which was why he wore huge hoodies even in summer. Those hoodies were always either in black or pastel colors and he liked wearing the same pair of light blue jeans that were extremely ripped and also hanging way too low all the time.

His black backpack was colorful from the huge amount of buttons on it and the same had happened to the jacket he always wore, but with patches of his favourite bands, musicals and shows.

PJ was pretty open about liking boys and had never really tried hiding it. Still Ash was his first ever boyfriend. And it was good that way, because it was the same for Ash and both of them had to feel a lot less pressure with the speed of everything.

PJ also was in Matts year and in a bunch of his classes. They never talked much, but they were on friendly terms and seemed to like each other.

Matt had probably even became friends with PJ, was he not always hanging around the alternative group, giving the two no chance to actually ever exchange more than a handful of words.

And PJ liked Ash. He liked listening to Ash's broken English and watching him blush whenever somebody pointed out a mistake he had made. He liked the way Ash looked with his snake bites and his messy hair and he liked the younger boys body, even if Ash didn't himself.

He had found something in Ash and Kat that he hadn't done with any of his friends. He had found two people who made him feel like maybe sometimes he didn't have to be high to enjoy something and maybe it was okay to deal differently with his issues than cut up his arms til he needed stitches.

The three of them just worked together. Nobody got jealous or mad and nobody ever felt neglected. Sure, issues like that happened in the beginning, but after a few months they had gotten used to seeing the other two kiss or hang out alone. It was all about understanding that they still cared for each other, even if sometimes Kat stayed over at PJ's for a while, or if Ash and her made out at parties. It was all good. It was their own tiny group, where everyone looked after each other and it felt right.

Of course Ash never told his family. Not even his older brother. He had brought Kat home once, to introduce her to his parents, and even though Ash was ashamed of their tiny apartment and his dad seemed sceptical, it still went well.  
They never hung out at his place anyways, so why would they have to share that PJ was a part of it too? Why would Ashs parents ever need to find out?

Still Ash felt bad. Earlier or later his dad would end up seeing the two boys and he would freak the fuck out. Telling him, before something like that happened and introducing him to the idea slowly, had to be a much better idea, right?

"You still haven't signed up for the musical...", Ash grinned at PJ, when he dropped his bag to the ground and sat down at the empty lunch table across from his boyfriend, before handing him a ballpoint pen.

"What- what do you want me to do with that?"

"Do it. Come on... There's so many of your friends that did and you can't shut up about how you've been thinking about it"

PJ immediately blushed. He did. He did always talk about musical theatre and how he would totally do it if he wasn't as quiet. But he never signed up, even though he knew pretty much all of the band and theatre kids already.

"I can't- I can't perform...you're crazy"

"You are. You're good, you-"

"I'm really not"

Ash couldn't say another word before he was interrupted by Kat dropping down on the bench next to PJ.

"Hey fuckers", she said in her cute, quiet voice and shortly pressed a kiss to PJ's cheek.

"Have you signed up yet?", she immediately asked, making Ash grin and the older boy blush, before pulling his hood on and hiding his head on the table, with his sweater paws crossed below it.

"He's still not sure", Ash smiled and shortly looked around. None of them had gotten their lunch trays yet, because of the gigantic line in the cafeteria. It was still quite early and everyone was starting to storm in, trying to get the best snacks.

The three really didn't care though. PJ and Kat often brought food from home that they could all share and every once in a while Ash's mom would sneak some vegan stuff into his backpack, which he would later tell her not to spend their money on.

Kat's parents were super rich anyways and it didn't really matter whenever she asked for money to buy stuff.  
And so she spent a lot of it, pushing it onto her boyfriends.

And then there was PJ's dad, who was probably the kindest person Ash had ever met. He always invited Ash and Kat over for dinner and would make their favourite foods and make sure to have everything be vegan. PJ's dad didn't give a fuck who his son went out with and he didn't care how often they all hung out at his place. It really was refreshing to meet a parent like that. And PJ really deserved it. He deserved to have somebody care about all the anxiety he felt and he deserved to have somebody check on him every once in a while.

"What about you? Have you talked to your parents yet?", Kat suddenly asked and directed her attention to Ash. She didn't want PJ to feel overwhelmed or pressured. It was all light hearted, but maybe he didn't quite feel that way with all these questions about the theatre group.

"...I want to today, when I get back from your place"

Ash's body immediately seemed a lot more tense at the thought of having to talk to his family about the whole thing. It would all be better once it was out, but that still didn't make it any less scary.

"Do you want one of us to come along?"

"No...My dad will yell. I don't want you to be there when he does"

That's when PJ finally lifted his head back up.

"I can take yelling, Ash. Maybe- Maybe even better than you. And it's about me, isn't it?"

"You don't know my dad. he's-"

Ash didn't quite know what to say. Or how to explain. Kat and PJ didn't get what it was like to have a dad like Ash. They didn't understand the anxiety and worries and the constant wondering wether what he was doing was okay or if it was about to spark a giant fight. They didn't get what it was like to have to look after your younger siblings in order for them to be safe in their own house or how it felt to hear your mother get punched in the kitchen. It was different. So fucking different.

And Ash would once again be reminded of that that exact same night.

____________

"Hey there..."

Ash had just gotten his last books out of his locker and closed it, when PJ finally found him. He had been looking for the younger boy for ages and had just managed to figure out what class his boyfriend had just been in.

„You're out early..."

„Yeah. Mr. Fround let us go home a little early... Cause of theweekend"

It was more than easy to tell just how nervous Ash really seemed. His voice was stammering slightly and his hands seemed shaky, the way they clung around the straps of his backpack.  
His eyes kept darting away from PJ, down to the blue lenoleum floor, as if he was trying to avoid eye contact at all cost.

„Hey...I am sure your dad will deal with the news just fine.."

„Yeah", Ash just mumbled back, nearly inaudibly. He wouldn't. His dad wouldn't take the news just fine.

„You sure you don't want me to come? I could-"

„No. It's- it's okay. Really. I'm fine... I'll see you guys on Monday, okay?", he forced a slight smile, and immediately it seemed to calm PJ down. His shoulders got a little less tense and his hand now carefully moved to grab Ash's, who immediately looked around to check if anybody else had entered the corridor yet. But they were alone.

It was weird, because Ash liked the feeling of PJ's hand in his.He liked it a lot. But that didn't mean the thought of people seeing them didn't scare him. And maybe if he hadn't been taught a specific way by his father, he would never have felt this fear.  
He didn't like to admit it, but he was ashamed of the whole thing in a way. He was ashamed and scared to diasappoint the people around him.

Maybe his mom wouldn't accept it after all. Maybe he was just hoping she would and trying to convince himself she wouldn't get mad. Maybe she really shared his dads thoughts. Maybe she really was too afraid to tell him her own opinion. And he didn't blame her. Not at all. His dad was a piece of shit and she probably suffered under it more than any of the kids.

„Or you could come hang out with us...Kat's staying over the entire weekend. It would be fun, right? You could go talk to your dad and get your things and I'm sure my dad would agree to pick you up later..."

„I- I don't know"

„Come on... We hardly ever see each other outside of school anymore. I mean the three of us. It's always either me and Kat, you or her or us two..."

It was true. In the beginning the three of them hung out outside of school all the time, but lately it seemed like one of them was always somehow busy or preoccupied. And it really was a shame.

Because there was a reason it was the three of them. There was a reason they chose not to have a normal relationship. They all were so lucky that they cared for each other as much as they did and there was no reason to cut one of them out.

The times where only PJ and Kat were dating had felt unbalanced and weird to the two. Because somebody was always missing. Ash was always missing and he had left an impression on both of them, that made the two fall for him so insanely quickly. And sofar it had all been perfect the way it was.

But of cause they were all secretly scared to accidentally ruin it. They were just all so scared to end up being the one left out, even if they never dared to tell each other those worries.

„...Ash?"

„hm"

That's when PJ suddenly leaned forward to kiss Ash.

It really just took a few seconds, but it felt so much longer than that.

With anybody else Ash would probably have moved away and awkwardly smiled, before hurrying off. But this wasn't anybody. This was PJ Garcia. This was the one guy that managed to make Ash's heart flutter at the pure thought of his voice. That one guy who made Ash blush like an idiot in class, when he wasn't even there. PJ was special. And he made Ash feel special. Just like every small moment during which they held hands or kissed.

Ash was used to making out at the older boys house and he had become so incredibly comfortable with the affection they showed each other, but in school they usually kept it on the down low.

Still for a second both boys completely forgot they were even standing in their schools hallway in the first place.

And even after their lips finally parted again when the bell rang, and students started pouring into the corridor, the warm fuzzy feeling in Ash's stomach remained. And just like that he was grinning like a child again.

But the feeling immediately faded the moment he took a short glance around and saw his older brother Matt across the hallway. Matt immediately turned away and focused back on his friend. Still Ash could swear he saw a slight smile on his older brothers face.

But that didn't help how heavy his entire body suddenly felt. It didn't help at all.

Matt was a good guy, who had never done anything but quietly support his little brother. He didn't question Ash. He just was there. He had always been.

That didn't mean it still didn't feel weird though. That didn't mean Ash didn't worry his brothers mind might magically change. He relied on that tiny support source. He really did. And imagining disappointing Matt in any way just felt wrong and scary.

„...Ash? You okay? ...Look, I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"

He was interrupted, when Ash suddenly kissed him again. Really shortly and quickly, but still he did. And PJ knew that meant the younger boy was genuinly trying to make sure he was aware that the affection went both ways. Even if he struggled to show it.

„I'll think about it. I'll call you, okay? It- It sounds nice to be with both of you. It really does. I'm sorry..."

„No, Ash, don't apologize. It's all good. You're-"

PJ suddenly stopped and bit his lip, his hand still lazily playing with Ash's.

„What is it?", Ash chuckled slightly and shortly glanced down at their intertwined fingers.

„I'm just really glad to be with you..."


End file.
